Jasper SEOHave you seen that Simpson’s episode where Jasper stands at the front of the class laying out the ground rules while nursing an old school butt paddle? If you’ve never seen this episode or can’t recall it by memory then quite frankly friend, you deserve a paddling. Without further ado:

Top Ten SEO Strategies or Tactics Worthy of Paddlings *UPDATED*

10. Read SEOs invest the 20 bucks for a unique domain and real emails. Using gmail accounts as primary methods of correspondence is worthy of a paddling. Using subdomains of wordpress or blogspot are worthy of double paddlings.

9. Ever offer a ‘TOP TEN PLACEMENT GARAUNTEED [sic] OR YOUR MONEY BACK’? If so, you deserve a substantial paddling. In fact, SEO’s who offer ‘flat rates’ or pdf documents depicting the steps of their services should be paddled. My approach and experience suggest there is no ‘one-size fits all’ solution for clients. Why? They’re all unique.

8. If you ‘nofollow’ all outgoing links from your web site then get ready for a paddling. (I think I should paddle myself sometime… that’s a different story).

7. If the loss of Overture’s keyword tool put you in a panic cause your primary keyword research source was gone–that’s definitley a paddling. If all you use is Nichebot, then fine, but if you do’nt use long tail keyword data in some way shape or form paddle yourself–hard.

6. Ever cold call (or cold email) prospective clients before? Ooo, that’s a paddling. Ever cold call a SEO firm (it’s happened to us)? Hahaha, I paddle you over the phone!

5. If your answer to a client’s poor ranking is, “it must be the sandbox,” your client should give you a paddling.

4. If your primary method of acquiring backlinks includes free ezines, free directories, and forum signatures–you best believe this is a whopper of a paddling. (Although you’ll be out of a job soon so maybe the paddle will spare you.)

3. If your primary method of creating content involves changing tense of existing content, removing quotes from press releases, going to the library and plagiarizing, buying a book and plagiarizing, visiting WIKI and plagiarizing, or just plain plagiarizing–ohhh, you setting yourself up for a major paddling.

2. Buying text-links without the ‘nofollow’ attribute IS NOT worth a paddling.

1. Buying text-links without the ‘nofollow’ attribute, and then somehow Matt Cutts finds out, this will earn a special Google paddling administered by one of the Google employees. (Although some may happily accept paddlings from the certain Google faces….)

But there’s more!

Top Ten Newbie SEO Forum Posts Worthy of mega-Paddlings

10. Proclamations like, “my site is 2 weeks old and it still won’t rank for my major keyword phrase,” deserve a paddling.

9. If you say, “I’ve done everything and still no changes! What should I do, and please don’t say more links!” You need to be paddled with the ‘more links paddle’.

8. Are you a new user who never used the ‘forum search’ function before posting your topics? Stand in line for a paddling.

7. OMG! Datacenter XX.XXX.XXX.XX is showing totally awesome results! Should be a paddling but it’s your time wasted that could be better spent writing content….

6. Have you ever asked, “when is the next PR update?” YOU better BELIEVE that’s a paddling.

5. If you continually ask, “why can’t I see all my backlinks?” (even after Google updated their tools to reflect YOUR BACKLINKS)–wow–that’s a paddling.

4. Is this familiar? “Yesterday I was #3 for my keyword, and now I’m on page 54! What gives?!” Please paddle Google (or get more back links :P).

3. ESL posters (English as a second language) are more than welcome, we’re all humans, we all need to learn. But for the love of SEO, please don’t ask for freelance jobs with third-rate English skills. Those who make opening replies including, “I give you advise [sic] on subject of your choice,” are in need of paddlings.

2. If you think you’re an SEO expert, please accept a paddling. If you are an SEO expert, thank you for being modest.

1. Some sound advice for SEO services: If it sounds too good to be true… it deserves a paddling!